The gen­tle­man next to me leans over.

“Are you a law stu­dent?”

I pull my bat­tered copy out of the sag­ging seat pocket and turn it over. Get­ting to Yes - Prin­ci­pled Ne­go­ti­a­tion: Ne­go­ti­ate over the is­sues, not spe­cific po­si­tions.

“No, a de­signer. I'm just re­vis­it­ing a few chap­ters be­cause I'll be ne­go­ti­at­ing some­thing soon.”

“Oh. Well, I teach law, and the class I teach on that book is my fa­vorite. Every­one should read it.”

♦

The ideas in it are es­sen­tial for every­one. Here’s the gist: Fig­ure out what the par­ties in the ne­go­ti­a­tion re­ally want be­fore ne­go­ti­at­ing the exact terms of the agree­ment. Not the things they want to get, but below the “things” level, down into the is­sues and struc­ture and feel­ings. And then make a big list of op­tions for cre­ative ways to meet those needs.

I'm headed to my home­town for a visit. Will my sis­ter and I get an­noyed with each other about some silly thing, re­vert­ing back to child­hood pat­terns?

My po­si­tion: “I won't be happy un­less I get to sit in the front seat.”

Her po­si­tion: “Well, you al­ways get it. I want it this time.”

What if we stepped back and looked a layer down, at the is­sues, at what we re­ally wanted to feel by sit­ting in the front seat:

My issue: “I don't want to feel car­sick.”

Her issue: “I want legroom, and also to feel like my older sis­ter re­spects me as an adult now.”

Ne­go­ti­at­ing on is­sues makes eas­ier to see other ways that we might get what we want with­out so much ef­fort. I can sit in the front seat, but scoot way up so she has a lot of leg room. And she can choose where we go to lunch.

♦

In my mind, The Firestarter Ses­sions is a par­al­lel, though Danielle La­Porte has writ­ten a book as sassy as Get­ting to Yes is se­ri­ous, with a bit of hippy rad­i­cal tone that is just over the top enough that it works.

All through it:

"Want what you want."

and (these are in four-lines-to-a-page big type):

"Know­ing how you want to feel is the most po­tent form of clar­ity that you can have."

The premise: every­thing you want to achieve/ac­quire/buy, every­thing on your to-do list, on your life list, every­thing - "all of those as­pi­ra­tions are being dri­ven by an in­nate de­sire to feel a cer­tain way." What if you first get clar­ity on how you want to feel, then you de­sign your to-do list?

♦

What if we apply these in­sights to money? This ques­tion: "How do you want to feel?" and this process: “Come up with many op­tions, be­fore you choose a res­o­lu­tion”?

You've been think­ing you need to get a shiny new condo in the city. But wait - don't take out the mort­gage be­fore think about how you want to feel. Think of a va­ri­ety of other op­tions to achieve the same feel­ing; then de­cide how to use your money to get you there.

Maybe you don't re­ally need a new condo - what you are look­ing for is the feel­ing of ex­cite­ment that you think the new condo will give you. Feel­ing: ex­cite­ment. Then list ways to spend money to achieve that feel­ing. Ex­cit­ing things I could try: dance lessons; two weeks climb­ing in Mex­ico;  re­search­ing and writ­ing a guide to the best places in my city. Condo own­er­ship is on the list, but now you can con­sider many op­tions - and some that might re­quire con­sid­er­ably less money.

What if you in­spected your de­sire for said spiffy new condo and found that it was com­ing from want­ing to feel rooted. Feel­ing: rooted. Other ways to spend money to feel like you be­long in this place: do some up­grades to your cur­rent apart­ment (tear out the ugly kitchen cab­i­nets and re­place with tiled back­splash and open shelv­ing; add read­ing lamps and side ta­bles); get a plot at the com­mu­nity gar­den; start at­tend­ing a meetup group and make new con­nec­tions. Maybe you re­al­ize you want to live in your city for­ever, and you’re ready to com­mit fi­nan­cially to a mort­gage - and you also join that meetup group.

♦

First iden­tify your de­sired feel­ings, then fig­ure out op­tions for how to spend money (or not spend money) on what you need to get there.

La­Porte's list, stuck to the front page of her Mole­sk­ine, says: "Con­nected. Af­flu­ent. Di­vinely Fem­i­nine. In­no­v­a­tive."

What are your feel­ing words? In terms of today, in terms of the here and now, what would make you feel that way? Ex­plore a mul­ti­tude of op­tions be­fore you de­cide on the exact way to spend money to get that feel­ing.